Ah, mediocrity: the gift that keeps on giving.
The Miami Herald isn't the only venerable charity case in town this holiday season; you can help an impoverished, unfortunate sports franchise, too! The Panthers, Marlins, and Heat are offering gift packages just in time for last-minute shoppers, and, naturally, with varying degrees of success.
Here's a handy guide:
Florida Panthers' Holiday Growl Pack
What's in the bag: it's advertised as "all the Florida hockey you can handle," which surprisingly doesn't mean your loved one will be opening a box of nothing. Rather, the HGP comes with tickets for "up to" 7 home games in January, an autographed David Booth puck, and free parking.
What it'll cost you: between $99 (upper level seats) and $499 (primo seats), up to seven nights in January, and, if you unwisely give this to a spouse or partner, about 60 days of sleeping on the couch and the ensuing cycle of chiropractic care.
Perfect for: your children, with whom you should probably spend "up to" seven nights in January anyway. They won't realize until they start drinking that that you purposefully arranged to do it in a place with beer and air conditioning, and by that point they'll hate you anyway. Memories!
Better watch out, better think twice: the Holiday Growl Pack is accompanied on Ticketmaster with an image of Drew Rosenhaus. That...can't be good.
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Would be better if: The Panthers were better. Still, a pretty decent snag for the price.
Florida Marlins' Holiday Deal
What's in the bag: a lower level ticket to one game from every home series in 2010, including opening day and closing day (sometimes, for the Marlins, one and the same), and priority to purchase seats in the new Marlins ballpark.
What it'll cost you: $150, which works out to $5.77 per game. $5.77!
Perfect for: Unibombers, loners, and the antisocial, unless you shell out another $150 so your friend or family member doesn't have to sit by themselves at the ballpark 26 lonely nights over the next year.
On the other hand, this would be perfect for someone you're trying to get rid of.
Better watch out, better think twice: oh, sure, it's $5.77 per game, but you'll be sitting in the picnic area and paying $797 for parking and food 26 times, so really it works out to $20,872 + whatever binoculars cost. Always, the fine print.
Would be better if: it came with priority to throw a baseball at Jeffrey Loria. But a decent alternative to season tickets, and most games you could probably move a little closer.
Heat Holiday Pack
What's in the bag: Tickets, supposedly at a discount, but the complicated nature of the deal will fry one's brain. The Heat are offering a build-your-own deal that requires Stephen Hawking to figure out: you pick a number of games from one of three tiers (cleverly called Hot, Hotter, and Hottest) that correspond to the quality of opponent (a choice from either 10 crappy ones, seven decent ones, or four to whom the Heat will probably lose -- uh, gimme?) and choose seats from four color-coded sections of American Airlines, and receive a discount based on whether you purchase 6-9 games, 10-15 games, or more than 16 games. The most you save per ticket is $20, and the deal is promoted as a discount if you purchase 3 games, which is considerably less than six, and now we need a nap.
Perfect for: those who love to complain about how complicated everything is. If you just hand over your credit card and have them book their own gift, it's the equivalent of a car in a bow.
What it'll cost you: $99 to infinity, and whatever accountants charge.
Better watch out, better think twice: Burnie. He lives! He shoves! He isn't safe!
Would be better if: the offer came with time-travel to next season, or the ability to buy tickets the easy ol' way for a limited time holiday discount. Hoops are for shooting, guys.
