The intersection of new media and men who spend 20 hours a day in darkened film rooms lined with testosterone is always a good time. Football coaches are an out-of-touch, concentrated lot: they do one thing, and do it under enormous amounts of pressure, so when they do have time to speak their words are generally a very condensed version of whatever unkillable parts of their personality survive.
For some, like West Virginia coach Bill Stewart, there's a kindly man dishing out pearls of wisdom and probably a Werthers or two ("Mountaineers Rules for Living No. 7 - Television isn't real life. In real life, people actually leave the coffee shop and go to jobs."). For others, like Tennesee's Lane Kiffin, he just inserts a smaller foot into a smaller mouth, and receives a smaller penalty. For Florida's Urban Meyer, tweets are just as terse and forced as he is in interviews: "We have a staff mtg at 8 to talk about this weekend."
It's all innocuous, and it's charming how much the little missives are just 140-character droppings of their real-life personalities. Charming, that is, until you check out the feed of Florida State tight ends coach and recruiting coordinator, James Coley:
You want to SEE how far THE rabbit HOLE goes?
8:58 PM Aug 19thfrom web
FEAR THE SPEAR
about 18 hours ago from web
5:06 AM Aug 5th from web
FEAR THE SPEAR
7:19 AM Aug 4th from mobile web
FEAR THE SPEAR
9:37 AM Jul 26th from web
what you've hoped you've earned is not there, all you have is the taste of our name in your mouth...
6:03 AM Jul 26th from web
Your fears are coming true, what you think you should have your not getting...
6:02 AM Jul 26th from web
I'm sending the WOLF...
6:38 PM Jul 20th from web
DAYS are running into NIGHTS, there's NO start or beginning points, every second BECOMES the NOW, our FIRE never BURNS out - BUCKLE UP!
7:29 AM Jul 13th from web
FEAR...6:54 PM Jul 12th from web
THE...6:55 PM Jul 12th from web
SPEAR...6:55 PM Jul 12th from web
Shhhhh... I heard U were looking for me?
9:14 PM Jul 8th from web
huhhhhhhh....... i heard their lookin' for me!
2:51 PM Jul 10th from mobile web
I bet their talking about ME right now - 2 words u'll never here, "James Quit"
10:42 AM Jul 10th from mobile web
Forget answering the BELL, I'm ringing it - DING DING!
3:57 PM Jul 2nd from web
In So Fla, just took a SHOT of some Cuban Coffee at "LA CARRETA" - IM in the MIA if ur scared then wear my sun glasses they make u invisible
2:46 PM May 31st from web
Woah! Is he tweeting from the beautiful hills of Tallahassee, or the swirly bottom of an acid trip in cleats? Is he currently huddled under a bridge with his Blackberry, covered in spittle and muttering abut wolves and dreaming of Chief Osceola? Did "they" find him? Is he okay?
If that's just the condensed version of Coach Coley, who's also spent time with Miami Senior, Norland, FIU, and the Dolphins, we shudder to think of meeting the larger man in real life. Fortunately, we know how to survive such an encounter: wear his sunglasses, they make you invisible.
Janie Campbell hopes Coach Coley's most recent message, "sending my next tweet to Kanye and Weezy for a REMIX," comes true. Her work has appeared in irreverent sports sites around the Internet.