A Sad Trombone for the Dolphins

It's not your fault, Chad Henne. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

By JANIE CAMPBELL

Updated 11:01 AM EDT, Mon, Nov 9, 2009

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Sigh. If there was a Super Bowl for giving fits to the best of teams without ever winning, may we present your 2009 World Champions, the Miami Dolphins.

[roar -- er, murmer -- of crowd]

It's too bad there isn't, because this Dolphins team is so likeable. They try hard. They entertain. They are not the Jets. They beat the Jets twice. They gave the Saints and the Colts and, in a way, the Patriots, a run for their money.

But there are no merit badges in football, and like Bill Parcells once said, "You are what your record says you are." Which brings us to Joey Porter, who claimed all week the Dolphins are better than their record. We believed him. And it still might be true, one loss to the Pats later. But it doesn't cover up what's wrong with the team, and one of those things is Joey Porter.

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Porter talked a good game all week, but come game time, didn't record a single tackle. In seven games played, he has just 10. He missed week 4 with an injury, which could have affected his play if he's not playing fully healed. But maybe, at 31, Porter doesn't have much left. Maybe the Dolphins need to play all their games inside a casino. Maybe he needs to have what Jason Taylor's having. He's certainly not playing like a Pro Bowl linebacker, and it's time to get Cameron Wake more snaps.

(Taylor was similarly ineffective, but he's played like the hammering hand of Thor for most of the season, so he gets a pass. So does Vontae Davis, who covered Randy Moss as well as a rookie can, and Chad Henne.)

You can put blame across the defensive line, which failed to harass Tom Brady as is their custom. And you can begin counting down to the draft, or to free agency, when the Dolphins might finally acquire a killer defensive tackle and a go-to receiver. In the final drive, both Brian Hartline and Ted Ginn, Jr. dropped very catchable balls to kill any hope the Dolphins had.

Jesus wept, or should have.

(Add crab claws, chopsticks, tubs of butter, beach balls, bicycle streamers, and cinder blocks to the already considerable list of "Things Dolphins Receivers Have Instead of Hands.")

It's encouraging, of course, that with a few tweaks the Dolphins might be playing with the Saints and Patriots and not just coming close. But until then: oof. Here comes that old familiar feeling.

Janie Campbell has a hole in her heart that can only be filled by Two-Years-From-Now Sean Smith Wreaking Havoc On The Field. Her work has appeared in irreverent sports sites around the Internet.