Dolphins Seasonal Threat Level: Bye Week Edition

Black, red, shiny, green, muddled, green, and yellow: Something's brown.

By JANIE CAMPBELL

Updated 6:38 PM EDT, Mon, Oct 19, 2009

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Just when you think a bye week will be relaxing, it just means you're free to watch your own future on HD at the hands of New Orleans -- like teen death vision-cheating film "Final Destination," with the Ali Larter character playing Chad Henne. Oh, sure, he'll live through it, but the experience might claim his friends, ruin him for life, and leave him alone with Devon Sawa after both of them, though adults, just played at a high school level for a few hours.

Impending probable-doom puts the Sunday threat level at black, as in "Drew Brees' ability to shred our secondary might make us all beg for death before it's over." If the Giants' defense -- one that was ranked no. 1 against the pass and no. 1 overall -- can't stop the Saints, well, let's just say Gibril Wilson's got his work cut out for him and CORE BREACH IMMINENT.

That's not to say the Dolphins don't have hope. Sunday's showdown (just go with it) at Land Shark could find the Bizarro Dolphins ready for the Jets again and Bad Dolphins off playing San Diego in an alternate universe, which is probably what it will take because GIBRIL WILSON (and, to be fair: ENTIRE SECONDARY AT TIMES).

Fortunately, there were other things that happened this weekend, things that force the eyes beyond Shockey and awe and into the big picture.

In the AFC East, it's threat level red as the slow-starting Patriots fell in a vat of nuclear waste and were reanimated to crush Tennessee 59-0 and improve to 4-2. They lead the 3-3 Jets, the 2-3 Dolphins right behind, and the sad lil' Bills bring up the rear at 2-4.

But the Bills did give the Fins a boost by defeating the Jets in an overtime that took five hours of bad football to reach, and claiming Kris Jenkins' ACL, which is as Dolphin-friendly a favor as Miami could have asked for. That doesn't mean New York will now roll over and die for the Dolphins at home on November 1; on the contrary, judging from all that post-Miami trash talk, it probably just made them angry. (Threat level: shiny. It's not a color, but when the rest of Tony Sparano's hair falls out, you'll see.)

And then there's rival new guy Mark Sanchez' famous poise, which apparently is American Media for "five interceptions." That threat level is unclear, because the NFL is in his head and it's pretty dim in there. But probably green for go, Jason Taylor, go.

Oh, and the Wild Card? Yellow. More babies than box cutters, and slightly cautious, because the Dolphins can get to eight wins if they mean it with NY, Tampa Bay, Carolina, Buffalo, Jacksonville, Tennessee and Houston still on the schedule. That would leave a second game with New Orleans, two against the Patriots, and Pittsburgh from which to eek out two more. There's only two non-division leading teams above .500 right now (Cincinnati and Pittsburgh), so the horrific start the Dolphins made out of the gate can still be overcome.

Maybe.

If it isn't, we'll just move the indicator to blue and kill time until the draft.