Dolphins Hire A Babysitter, Prepare To Bore Him

To be fair, they probably can't leave player development to whatever's in Jason Ferguson's locker.

By JANIE CAMPBELL

Updated 1:00 PM EDT, Fri, Mar 12, 2010

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The Dolphins have announced another acquisition in the free agency period, but it won't help their problem at receiver.

Former Michigan State middle linebacker Kaleb Thornhill has been named the team's new Director of Player Development, which involves "assist[ing] players in a variety of areas off the field, while also helping the players in the transition process both into and out of the NFL through continuing education, financial education and dealing with family matters."

According to ProFootballTalk's Mike Florio, he's been hired because the Dolphins need a bit of babysitting:

Given...recent off-field issues involving multiple Dolphins players and the temptations and distractions inherent to the Miami lifestyle, we believe that the job is far more important for this franchise than it is for most others.

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Thornhill previously worked for the Lions, who despite being bad on the field have been fairly good off it. And the former NCAA middle linebacker knows a thing or two about being around players who find trouble, or vice-versa -- he spent three years at middle linebacker at Michigan State.

Oh, sure, "temptations and distractions inherent to the Miami lifestyle." Pittsburgh's got Ben Roethlisberger (allegedly!) following ladies into bathrooms, but Pat White is more a risk for hitting a passerby in the Cuban sandwich with an errant pass than shooting himself in the leg in a club or whatever's en vogue for NFL bad boys these days. Chad Henne's off winning loungers on Rachel Ray and not dating Jessica Simpson. Ricky Williams is studying.

(If you ask us, it's the former Dolphins you've got to look out for, but then, Tony McDaniel and Will Allen haven't really been on their best behavior, have they?)

For Dolphins fans hoping for more acquisition announcements to follow, well, don't hold your breath. Troublesome top-tier talent Brandon Marshall's still out there for the signing, but Bill Parcells would still rather stab his own eyes out than risk T.O. Redux. Meanwhile, all the suitable free agent receivers have signed with other teams, leaving the draft the only place left to shore up the spot.

So...we've got Thornhill, but won't hire anyone to occupy his time. Hopefully we won't remember this next season when no one can catch, for the sake of our blood pressure.

Janie Campbell is a Florida native who believes in the pro-set and ballpark hot dogs. Her work has appeared in irreverent sports sites around the internet.