Brits Say Sweaty Dolphins Owner is the Pits

UK Tabloid Press + NFL = fun for everyone

By JANIE CAMPBELL

Updated 1:45 PM EST, Tue, Oct 27, 2009

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What happened when the Dolphins blew a lead on the Saints Sunday has everyone understandably upset. There's a Cut Ted Ginn petition. A Ted Ginn Sucks website. A Santa bag of angry e-mails to Dolphins beat writers. Pictures of a devastated Jason Taylor.

Even the British were horrified, the debacle painful enough to merit an entire article in the UK Daily Mail.

Since buying a stake in the Miami Dolphins in July, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have been bringing a touch of A-list glamour to the American football scene.

But arriving to watch their men play the New Orleans Saints in Florida yesterday afternoon, the Latin singer's smart outfit was let down by his incredibly sweaty armpits.

Falling prey to the sweltering 31C sunshine, the 41-year-old couldn't escape the unsightly sweat patches...Due to the heat, Jennifer's face was also glistening with sweat, but it looked more like a flattering healthy glow.

Now there's an upsetting sports-related occurrence: perspiration. Haven't the Daily Mail heard of Ted Ginn, Jr.? That guy's a sweat stain on a roster of giants! He's got armpits for hands! He's strong enough for a man but pH balanced to catch like a woman! He appears solid, but goes on the field invisible! Someone stop us! (No, really, we could do this all day.)

It's the British tabloid press' attention to detail like this, more than any flimsy economic argument, that proves London should get an NFL expansion team as soon as humanly possible. Along with football news, we could find out if Woody Johnson's sweat is also "flattering healthy glow," or a musty, jaundiced pallor, or if Al Davis's waxy old body is even capable of experiencing temperature changes.

Just imagine what would go down if Jerry Jones showed up at a game with visible panty lines (and now try to recover from the mental image).

Anything, really, to distract us Dolphins fans from what's happening on the field -- so make it happen, Roger Goodell. Economics be darned.

Janie Campbell believes in ballpark hot dogs, the pro-set, and -- just this week -- feeling bad for Ted Ginn. Her work has appeared in irreverent sports sites around the Internet.