Baseball Tries to Trim the Fat

At least David Wells retired, so no one's force to tell him the bad news.

By JANIE CAMPBELL

Updated 6:24 PM EDT, Fri, Dec 11, 2009

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Maybe the real Curse of the Bambino is counted in calories. After all, if the standard of the sport is a dead, obese alcoholic, it might be time to rethink the ol' clubhouse steak-fried-steak 'n Snickers buffet.

That's exactly what some teams are doing, according to the Wall Street Journal:

Major League Baseball is going on a health-food kick. The doughnuts, fried chicken and candy bars that have long populated baseball's clubhouses—where players eat the majority of their meals—are being banished.

The Los Angeles Dodgers will ship their players to Arizona next week for a six-day health-food boot camp. The Kansas City Royals are planning to put up posters in the clubhouse offering nutritional advice. And the Philadelphia Phillies and Tampa Bay Rays both say they're experimenting with the idea of preparing foods for the players that are rich in antioxidant grains like quinoa, teff and spelt.

Not sayin', CC, just sayin'.

Pretty sure even pretentious macrobiotic queen Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't eat things called "quinoa," "teff," and "spelt," but we're also pretty sure Prince Fielder ate Gwyneth Paltrow, covered in melted cheese, and washed her down with a barrel of non-light beer and a Lil' Debbie Snacks factory dipped in chocolate (the ultimate Swiss Cake Roll). So perhaps this is in order.

The surprising thing, considering how slow and fat and dumpy so many players are, is that the movement is coming from baseballers themselves. Six Dodgers shocked a team nutritionist by asking for meal plans, and Padres reliever Heath Bell confessed he'd prefer to eat fruit but teams never wash and cut it for him, so he just takes cookies (proving, of course, is why overpaid people are fat).

The Marlins, naturally, have a plan as lean as their payroll: last season their clubhouse candy selection was downsized to only fat-free Mike and Ikes; when players wanted something new they got a solo selection of Gummi Bears -- reminding them, perhaps, what shape they'd take if they ate too many or went to dinner with David Wells.

Will it last? Baseball players have long been fond of food, and a look at certain players who shall remain nameless indicates they aren't exactly a dedicated bunch.

If it doesn't, well, at least they can still play -- baseball's barely a sport! "Look at Gossage," Rudy May once said of his portly Yankees teammate Goose. "He's six feet four and most of it is fat. He pitches maybe an inning a week. And for that, they pay him a million dollars a year. And you know what? He's worth it."

10 out of 10 heart surgeons agree.