Welcome to the 804th running of Survivor, this time featuring former Hurricanes and Dolphins coach Jimmy Johnson turning into a crazed hobo before your very eyes in the beachy jungle of Nicaragua, and then wandering through your scenes with a snack of live crab. We’re recapping his survival each week, because he’s Jimmy Johnson.
Last week: NaOnka is Not Sensitive to Handicapped People, Shannon gay-hates his way off the younger tribe, Dolphins cheerleader Brenda works her feminine whiles to survive, and this was Jimmy Johnson:
This week: Survivor opens on a shot of crabs in night vision, and this isn't code for the camp of ripe young hotties and any burgeoning medical issues. There are actual crabs scurrying about, looking for Fabio to pinch. They're terrifying.
Also terrifying is NaOnka, the Token Sassy African-American Lady As Per U.S. TV Guidelines. La Flor has just returned from tribal council, and she's not having the attempt to make nice coming from Shannon's lost alliance of Benry, Alina, and Kelly B. I would post a screencap of NaOnka's evil eyes in nightvision, but it would kill us all like the The Ring.
Later, after the immunity challenge, both NaOnka and the prosthetically blessed Kelly B. notice a hidden immunity idol clue buried in the prize of fruit they're carrying back to camp together. Coming up on the clearing, NaOnka shoves Kelly B., knocking her off-balance, and then wrestles her from the basket.
NaOnka -- who gave us "My name is NaOnka, not 'fool'" -- snatches away the clue and stalks off down the beach, where she is too dumb to figure it out, but not too much of a waste of humanity to hate on Kelly B.'s fake leg.
"Screw your leg," she says, because toppling a disabled person isn't evil enough. "Keep it away from the fire."
Ladies and gentlemen, a P.E. teacher of America's youth!
Over at America's Tribe, Jimmy Johnson and his cronies are out tracking howler monkeys to find their food source. At one point, Jimmy -- whether gone mad from hunger and sleeplessness, or just for fun -- begins making monkey noises in an attempt to communicate.
"What are they saying, Jimmy?" someone asks.
"They say, 'Get your ass out of here!'" he replies, steak dinners dancing in his eyes.
Oh, Coach. You're adorable. As Yve shortly testifies, "Jimmy is so funny. At his soul, he's inspiring."
Unless, that is, you're Marty or Jimmy T., who are visibly threatened by Jimmy Johnson, and visibly antsy to vote him off. They're like evil children on an evil Christmas morning.
"Why did we get stuck with the celebrity?" Marty grouses, while Jimmy J. is shown doing worthwhile things like fishing with his teammates, and having fun doing it.
As such, Marty does something unusual with Jill's prompting. He shares with the entire team that he has possession of the hidden immunity idol, hoping full disclosure will earn him points and trick them all into thinking he'll do right by them. It works, to a point.
"What a guy!" says stupid Jimmy T., though Tyrone notes "He's doing his own thing. It wasn’t going to be a secret for long."
Marty voiceover admits this. "Everyone knows the idol can only belong to one person, and that person is me."
Eventually, if there's any justice, he'll find they aren't as stupid as he thinks. Which is considerably stupid, according to Marty.
Immunity challenge time rolls around, and Tribe ExtenZe has noticed that Danny can barely walk or move. He has a long scar from a knee surgery, and he's obviously not getting any more flexible abandoned on a bed of bamboo.
But Danny dismisses this issue with considerable charm: "I know I’m stronger than the women, and some of them are built like mooses.”
When it comes to challenge, time, however Danny is called out for simply moving around and pretending to be involved while the other players are actually doing the physical work. The game culminates in a bean-bag tossing challenge, in which Tyrone gains a 3-bag lead on the younger tribe only to see it slip away while Jimmy T. complains to the Jimmy Johnson that he is "wasting him" and that he wants to be "put in, Coach."
They lose. And interestingly, when they get back, though Jimmy T. has professed nothing but disdain for how the tribe looks to Jimmy Johnson as its leader -- especially during challenges -- he reverts to Jimmy J.'s language and appeals to him as a leader.
“Coach, I want you to evaluate me. They’re squelching me because I’m an obvious leader and they know it," Jimmy T. annoys (it's a verb, now). "If these people knew what they were doin’, I’d be leading this tribe.”
No. If they knew what they were doing, they would vote you off because SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. Ugh. It is so embarassing to have one's insecurities exposed in public -- and neither Jimmy T. nor Marty can handle even the mild, fish-catching, encouragement-spewing, benign presence of Jimmy Johnson.
Jimmy J. knows what all this means.
"Girls, after tonight I may not see ya’ll for a while," he says while fishing. We begin weeping quietly on the inside, while Yve all but crawls into a ball on his lap.
At tribal council, Jimmy Johnson is a badass. While Jeff Probst pokes the tribe into admitting that they all look to Jimmy for leadership, that Danny can't move, and that Jimmy T. has attitude problems, Jimmy Johnson sits their like a plop of awesome and cooly lets them look like idiots.
"I always thought our relationship was great," he says of Jimmy T., after Jimmy T. has all but tap-danced under a neon sign blinking the word "INSECURE" over his head.
It's not enough to save him from Marty's vote-grabbing round-up at camp, however, or really bad puns.
"Go long!" Jimmy T. spits as he votes off Better Jimmy. He even draws a little football on his ballot. Ugh.
"Win a million dollars!" Jimmy Johnson points to his tribe as his flame is snuffed out. Even in death, he is awesome.
Marty sees this "coup" as a sign of his genius, when really it just means his tribe is now all but certain to keep losing challenges, putting him at numbers disadvantage for the inevitable merge.
“It was kind of enjoyable to watch the tension," the mastermind voice-overs. "I needed to remove their daddy, so they’ll either shake and crumble, or they’ll have to come to me.”
Next week: more NaOnka, and less Jimmy Johnson. Sniff! And, lest we forget, a hot Dolphins cheerleader lives on.