Miami Advances to Round 2 in World Cup Sweepstakes

Prepare to pelt a 40-year-old Landon Donovan with germy beer

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    NEWSLETTERS

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    Smells like team spirit, looks just like Dolphins Stadium.

    Take that, Fayetteville, Arkansas! Miami has survived a cull of 11 potential host cities and is still in the running to be awarded a game if the US is given either the 2018 or 2022 World Cup (unfortunate bid committee motto alert: "The Game Is In Us").

    We know what you're thinking: isn't every day in Miami like having an international soccer match in town, what with the people on fire, random gunfire, patched-up infrastructure, and international hotties walking around half-naked?

    Well, yes. You would be right to think that, because it's true. Every day in America's malarial Babylon, as a friendly lovingly calls South Florida, is like a World Cup day -- except either 9 or 13 years from now, we'll sell more hotel rooms.  GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLL!

    The Miami dream is being kept alive by a veritable super-group of South Florida players (none of whom we'd hesitate to tackle if they bust out a vuvuzela): Heat retiree and king of high school Alonzo Mourning, sound machine Emilio Estefan, Barcardi’s Facundo L. Barcardi, UM President Donna Shalala, Brightstar CEO Marcelo Claure, County Commissioner Jose "Pepe" Diaz, Peruvian soccer legend Teófilo "Nene" Cubillas, and Dolphins owner Stephen Ross, among others. 

    It's Ross's involvement that raises a yellow card: by 2018 or 2022 (the more likely date), who can even imagine the changes Ross will have instituted over at The Stadium Formerly Known as Dolphins?  We know it'll have a club and a meat station; will we be pelting a 40-year-old Landon Donovan with germy beer and bodily fluids from railings at Jimmy Buffett's Margaritafill Nutritional Beverage for Seniors Stadium, brought to us by the living members of Menudo? 

    Probably.  Shoot, the Ice Cream Kid could be a father by then, which means until 2018 or 2022 actually roll around we can all go back to ignoring soccer as usual.