Rex Ryan Bares Bod, Kills Cats Dead

Rex Ryan: kinda growing on us, in more ways than one.

View Comments (
)
|
Email
|
Print

    NEWSLETTERS

    TK
    thebiglead.com

    Let's be clear: beauty comes in every shape and size. It's a fact.

    Jets coach Rex Ryan, however, is neither beautiful nor shapely -- unless "gelatinously blobular" is now recognized in America's kindergardens -- though he is quite a sport about his size. So last night, when everything that could go wrong was going wrong for the Florida Panthers, South Florida's sworn enemy decided to stick it to Miami one...more...time.

    That's right, ya'll: Rex Ryan took his shirt off.

    Seems Ryan was in Raleigh on some sort of secret official Jets business (he wouldn't say), and when he showed up to the last night's hockey game in a Flyers jersey the Carolina ice girls kindly brought him a Hurricanes sweater. It, er, wasn't a small. The unveiling only lasted long enough for The Big Lead to get pictures, thankfully, and even more thankfully, none included nipple.

    Still, it was everything you ever dreamed it would be, if your dreams are nightmares that feature a monstrous bleached gourd on legs flipping you the bird. After all, Ryan is a guy who gladly cops to eating 7,000 calories a day, refers to burritos as "Rexican food," and tells reporters that pizza is "for his son" while the poor kid doesn't know what you're talking about, mister.

    Of course, since we're talking about the Panthers, Ryan's nefarious baring had its effect. The Cats played so poorly in their fourth straight loss, GM Randy Sexton was reduced to an F-bomb-filled tirade after it was over.

    "It was [expletive] brutal," Sexton said. "We have too many guys who don’t compete. You can’t win in this game unless you’re ready to show up and go to war every night. We don’t have enough of them....This is not type of team we want. We’re going to keep making changes until we get that. It takes time.

    “It’s like turning around the Titanic and not a rowboat."

    Huh. Wonder what made him think of the world's largest white ocean liner?