In the most unlikely of matchups, Heat retiree Alonzo Mourning and his wife Tracy found themselves locked in the octagon with former Attorney General Janet Reno -- and the prize was a high school. Unsurprisingly, the battle of jocks vs. nerds was won by the popular kids in a 5-4 vote.
Now North Miami's newest educational institution, previously known as "State School QQQ-1," will open this fall as the Alonzo and Tracy Mourning Senior High School Biscayne Bay Campus (yeesh, guys, knock a couple words off). It's proof that good looks and glamorous community do-gooding will trump a frumpy hometown glass ceiling-breaker any day -- especially one who could have been played reasonably well by The Kool-Aid Man.
So despite Reno's school-district pedigree and many admirable accomplishments, she's not getting a namesake school. This will no doubt devastate Mourning High opponents like North Miami parent Geoff Harris, who boldly stated ''I just don't think schools should be named after anyone who is still living." (Psst, Mr. Harris: Please don't shoot the Mournings just to set things right.)
But the loss doesn't mean Miss Janet must be counted out entirely. Nope. If we may, a suggestion for compromise, addressed to the athletic department: The Mourning High School Fighting Renos.
You've gotta admit, it has a ring! Considering that the slab-like Reno was scrappy enough to survive the whole of the Clinton administration and a morass of unpopular decisions, she makes an excellent perseverance-flavored mascot.
Never one to hesitate at busting through a basement wall or compound, Reno is the perfect inspiration for a high school offensive line. Jumping the gun with the Richard Jewell case? Just the sort of inspiration a track team needs to get off the blocks with a burst.
Oh, it works in so many ways, not least of which is that her face painted at mid-court, or plastered on uniforms, may just be enough to intimidate opposing teams beyond repair (especially those with children not desirous of being shipped off to Cuba).
Not only would watching impressionable minds learn the art of compromise, but an entire community could come together as one after such a contentious battle.
Don't thank us; we're just here to help.
Janie Campbell is ready to suit up in royal blue and pearl as soon as possible. Her work has appeared in irreverent sports sites around the Internet.