Madonna to Baby Jesus: No Texting for You!


It really is a crying shame that after a well-publicized honeymoon, the unadulterated love between a contemporary woman of leisure and the Brazilian child she abducted starts crumbling. DIY Botox shots start disappearing; post-its written in Portuguese contain stern reminders to “clean up after yourself, I’m not your f**king mother”; Gwynie’s latest GOOP newsletter “accidentally” ends up in the spam folder; tempers flare over a moratorium on churrasco. And while that last dispute divides the remainder of her dwindling fanbase into two factions (those who support Madonna’s possibly meatless manor and those who want little Jesus to have a slice of Brazil in his home away from home), tensions between the lovers have finally hit their breaking point and torn the couple asunder.

The culprit? Cell phones! It turns out that (once again) Madonna, as if preparing for the Twilight sequel, sprouted fangs and forbade Jesus from taking phone calls from his family upon threat of soulless immortality.

Says an onlooker who is obviously Lourdes, Rocco, or David Banda, “She just turned on him. She told him it was rude for him to take a phone call in front of her.” Coaxed by organic lollipops to dish more, the onlooker continues, “He stood up for himself and they had quite a heated argument. Madonna agreed to let him answer the mobile when she’s around, but only in emergencies. If her phone rings and she wants to take the call, she’ll do it. This is not a relationship of equals.” Oh, that Madonna!

Although matters weren’t helped when she caught a whiff of a much-younger lingerie model named Luciana Costa, at whom Jesus made googly eyes. So to prevent Jesus from having the last laugh, Madonna, much like an panicky prom queen “taking a cigarette break” out by the dumpster, ditched her baby. And so ends yet another epic episode in our favorite cougar’s publicity crusade. Up next: More adoptions!

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