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There Are 5 Types of Toxic People in Relationships, Says Therapist: ‘They Are Masters of Passive-Aggressive Behaviors'

Ilustration: Olivia de Recat for CNBC Make It

When you think about toxic relationships, you probably imagine both partners playing a harmful role. But in my 25 years as a therapist focusing on relationship abuse, I've found that in most cases, it's one person attempting to control the other.

A controlling partner won't necessarily behave poorly in the early stages. Instead, they might engage in "love bombing," in which they lavish you with grand gestures and constant contact.

There are five types of controlling partners. If any of these sound familiar, you may want to reconsider your relationship:

1. The Charmer

At the beginning of a relationship with Charmers, you feel like you're in a romantic movie.

They may put you on a pedestal, tell you everything you want to hear, and create a false sense of security by saying their feelings are genuine. Their intent is to make you feel like you "owe them" for being so nice to you.

You may later feel trapped and guilty for wanting to meet your own needs but somehow also feeling responsible for meeting theirs.

2. The Bully

Bullies try to intimidate their partners, but their behavior doesn't always involve physical abuse. They are masters of passive aggressive behaviors like sulking, giving the silent treatment, or ignoring your calls.

They often feel like they have the right to punish you, and as a result may act in a vindictive manner.

You spend a lot of time questioning what you did wrong or worrying about what their next response will be.

3. The Mindmixer

Mindmixers play so many mind games that it can be difficult to keep a grip on reality. They may gaslight you, find faults in the way you look, make jokes about you, and then try to deny or minimize their behavior.

Bit by bit, this chips away at the pedestal they initially put you on, reducing your sense of self until you lack the confidence to trust your own judgement.

You may even start to believe you are to blame for how they treat you.

4. The Taker

Takers are pushy and will often aim to coerce you into uncomfortable situations. This pressure can be subtle. They may disregard what you want in general and manipulate you into doing things that only benefit them.

These toxic behaviors can leave you feeling degraded, ashamed, and disconnected from yourself and from others.

5. The Keeper

A Keeper's goal is to make you dependent on them so that you become easier to control.

This is often achieved early in the relationship, when there is a natural desire to spend more time together — at the expense of seeing friends and family, for example, or focusing on work.

They may want you to be with them at every second of the day, message you nonstop, and get angry if you don't respond immediately. Other examples include asking for pictures of where you are and who you're with, or requesting passwords.

What to do if you think you're in a controlling relationship

The longer you stay in a toxic relationship, the harder it will be to leave. It will also have a negative impact on your mental health, work productivity and personal relationships.

Empower yourself to put boundaries in place by asking: "Why would someone who says they care about me do hurtful things?"

The most controlling people escalate their toxic behaviors if they think they are starting to lose control over you. Create a support system — of friends, family or professionals — to help you sort out your feelings, leave the relationship safely, and find a secure place to land.

Cathy Press has over 25 years of experience working as a psychotherapist and clinical supervisor, specializing in domestic abuse. She has senior accreditation with the British Association of Counseling and Psychotherapy, and is certified with the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute. Follow her on Twitter @PressCathy.

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