Oh you people, with your cheap little eco-friendly grocery bags, smiling smugly at the shameful people exiting the supermarket with paper and plastic single-use bags! Did you know that your reusable bags are crawling with disease, bacteria and hideous little creepies that may poison you?
It's true! A new study proves it!
Swab-testing by two independent laboratories found unacceptably high levels of bacteria, yeast, mold and coliform counts in the reusable bags.
Ugh, gross. It turns out that hippie grocery bags are no less filthy than the hippie foods that people put into them. And what you end up with is a wet, dirty pocket of disease that you proudly tote your uncooked meats in. You might as well cart your food around in a toilet.
So what can you do to avoid food poisoning from your reusable grocery bags? Number one and most obviously, you can stop using these ridiculous things and go back to using good ol' plastic bags, which have never harmed anyone physically -- if you disregard the people who put them over their heads. In fact, it was the blameless, public health-minded humanitarians at the Environment and Plastics Industry Council who commissioned the study.
Alas, more and more Americans, and even Canadians, have fallen under the sway of reusable grocery bags. From North Carolina to Connecticut, local governments are looking for ways to encourage citizens to drop their plastic bags. This is a terrible tragedy, because without plastic bags we would not have recycling, and recycling is such a great thing for the environment!
If you insist on continuing your love affair with swampy old reusable bags crawling with fecal matter and lettuce mites, just be sure to toss them in the wash with about a gallon of bleach after every use. Do the same with your produce, dairy selections and deli fixins. Safety first!
Food safety expert Sara K. Smith writes for NBC and Wonkette.