We didn't want to have to do this. Calling celebrities out for being thin is a snoozefest. We'd heard from the Daily Mirror that you dropped three dress sizes and we thought, please, the English love to exaggerate. And everybody knows that pictures can be misleading -- you get one snapshot from a bad angle and suddenly it's all "anorexic" this and "baby bump" that.
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The neck, honey. It's stringy, like a chicken wing under a heat lamp. Also, you look unwell in the face. Why is it blue? Are you not getting enough oxygen? If you were a newborn, they'd stick you in a Plexiglas box and keep you under observation. Also, and pardon us for sounding flip, what is it you do now, exactly? You were great in The Sixth Sense and The O.C. was fun, but what was that, 2004? Then there were the Keds shoe ads -- loved those, very cute -- but then what? Are you just a professional party-goer now? Is that why you look so tired, because your publicist is running you ragged, jetting you to Paris and Dubai and making sure you're spotted acting all Katy Perry to keep you relevant?
Just say no, Mischa. Deep-six the Blackberry, dial up a bucket of chicken with extra biscuits, and go off the grid for a bit. We'll be here when you get back.