History will remember Mike Huckabee for a single great achievement: dramatically whittling down his waistline after he became disastrously overweight.
His governorship of Arkansas and his fanciful bid for president in 2008 will appear but as footnotes in the annals of the 21st century. After all, if we learned anything last year it's that anyone -- from a Yale Law graduate to the child of a single mother to an Alaskan nobody -- can run for high public office. All you have to do is fill out the right paperwork and look presentable in a suit.
But to gain weight, and then lose it? That is a magical feat very few mortals have ever accomplished here in America, which is why Mike Huckabee stands to this very day as one of our nation's great moral, spiritual, and economic leaders.
Economic, you say? Yes. You see, controlling one's weight is exactly like managing the world's largest economy -- both require discipline! And the skills one acquires in learning how to resist the siren song of potato chips are precisely those needed to reduce the deficit, put 6 million unemployed people back to work, and prop up the many pillars of our flagging economy. Thus Huckabee's sage advice to the president, as written in an e-mail to readers of the conservative publication Human Events:
I know something about overeating. It can kill you. Back when I was governor of Arkansas, I was so overweight I developed Type II diabetes. Doctors told me to lay down the knife and fork — or else. That scared me. I cut the calories and lost 110 pounds. Only then did I regain my health.
Does bloat scare Obama? Heck no. He's hungry for more! Fresh from gulping down $800 billion of our money to load up his Washington smorgasbord, he's planning yet another massive banquet. Obama wants to belly up to the table and swallow the best health care system in the world. And you and I will pay the tab for this gargantuan pig-out!
If Huckabee doesn't win the Nobel Prize for economics the next time around, we'll know that it's because Swedes just don't care for Southerners very much.
Certified financial planner Sara K. Smith writes for NBC and Wonkette.