New Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross recently confirmed that he will not get involved in Bill Parcell’s draft plans, or interfere much with football operations (the news sent Mark Cuban’s defeated employees off to a Dallas-area Applebees for liquid lunches). Okay, great.
What Ross wants to focus on instead is making major changes to the gameday experience, in the hopes it will increase ticket sales and make Dolphin Stadium as much a draw as any place in Miami. “We have to go out and sell and create a reason why people want to come here," he said Thursday. "These are not great times.”
One of those plans, according to an anonymous source, is said to involve Key West
drunken single-minded loiterer entertainer Jimmy Buffett.
[sound of record scratching]
Sorry, Parrotheads, but this news has us breathing into a paper bag. It isn’t clear yet – and Ross declined to say – if Buffet’s involvement would be limited to minority ownership or some sort of promotional involvement, but Ross did issue the following: “Let's face it, the most important thing is winning football games…but I've got to give them a reason why they want to come here rather than watching at home.''
Are we dreaming? Because our nightmares are apocalyptic visions of seeing “Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville Stadium: It's always five o'clock here!” in neon outside Gate D, or stadium vendors banging kettle drums to announce the availability of cheeseburgers in paradise or frozen coconut concoctions in a parrot-shaped cup.
Actually, that last part sounds okay. It's sort of hot down here.
But if the Coral Reefer Band replaces Jay-Z on the public address system, we’ll be experiencing both changes in attitude and latitude as we run for the parking lot. This is football, daggummit!
On the plus side, if Miami isn’t able to fill its draft needs with a decent cornerback, perhaps Buffet could finally find that lost shaker of salt and put some pads on it.
Janie Campbell is a Florida sports fan who hopes the Dolphins work it out with Emilio Estefan instead - touchdown conga lines are a thing of beauty. Her work has appeared in irreverent sports sites around the Internet.