It's more contagious than swine flu, and thrives in tropical environments: SpongeBob mania is spreading through your Heat.

We gotta admit, not only did we think we'd written our first and last article about a Heat player and the porous little cartoon fry cook last week, but we never imagined it'd be the team's tasteful statesman who'd succumb to Michael Beasley's craze.

But there you have it. Dwyane Wade has been offering the pseudonym "SpongeBob SquarePants" when ordering sandwiches at The Daily Creative Food Co. on Biscayne Boulevard, according to a spy at Miami New Times.  The tipster says Wade regularly uses the fake name, which The Daily gamely calls out over a microphone when his order is ready. 

So it's not a bid for anonymity, then.  It must be that everyone's favorite insouciant rookie is rubbing off on his elder teammate, or Wade's attempting to assuage the off-season emptiness now that Beasley isn't impishly bouncing around him all day long, going on and on about his favorite undersea friends.  Hey, whatever keeps Wade happy and amused here in Miami and not thinking about free agency.  Let your SpongeFlag fly!

But how bad is Wade's case of Sponge-itis? Is he trying to order krabby patties?  It's usually "something huge and outrageous, like a Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich with chicken on top," says the spy, who also notes he was clad in an ivory sweatsuit during his last quest for food.

Wait a minute...cartoons, clothing with expandable waistlines, massive amounts of food?  Perhaps this isn't healthy after all.

Somebody send a security detail over to Udonis Haslem's house, stat.