Heading into a second rebuilding year led by ham-fisted, no-nonsense overlords, and staring down the barrel of one of the toughest schedules in the NFL, it looked like this might be a fairly uneventful year around Beergaritaville Stadium.
We certainly didn't anticipate QB-killing injuries, a sweep of the Jets, or that Ted Ginn would have a Redemption Sunday to be hilariously blown out of proportion by offensive coordinator Dan Henning:
"Wasn’t that marvelous? You know, in the Bible, on Palm Sunday they threw flowers and garlands at the Good Lord and then on Friday, they picked him up, beat the s@$* out of him, crucified him, and in this league they give us seven days – only gave him five.
"So we go back three or four weeks ago and Teddy was a hero after the first Jet game, he was a goat after New Orleans and now he’s a hero again. I can’t wait to see the next chapter of this and who decides that."
"Beat the s@$* out of him" -- is that from the King James Version? Henning didn't stop there; he also compared Ginn to -- wait for it -- whale poop:
"To me, there can be no better human story than what happened last week around here and what Teddy was able to come up with. You can take anything that happened in that game, that was the best feeling for me to see him come out of that. He had to be lower than whale defecation, and that’s at the bottom of the ocean. You know what I mean?"
Um, no, Coach Henning, we don't. None of us majored in Bowel Movements of the Sea and Resulting Buoyancy. What's obvious here, though, is that Henning is either gleefully insane in the best way possible, or he's just a hologram, football pants, and a Mad Lib. How else to explain the quotes above? It's like a normal post-game presser, except that unrelated concepts, nouns, and adjectives are just interjected at random to form thoughts that almost make sense but don't.
Either way, what's not to love? So next time Dolphins news gets a little slow, find a football article with quotes from a coach. Any coach. And insert several of the following:
Sports
Mahatma Gandhi, porridge, butterfly, outhouse, punt return, Des Moines, velvet, hoop skirt, rose garden, Nutella, Holy Spirit, suspenders, touchback, Teddy Roosevelt, radio, seahorse, Buick, gourd, Christmas closet, catapult, knickers, Abe Lincoln, nun-chucks.
Instant Henning, instant fun. And no one had to rise from the dead.
Janie Campbell is wondering if Dan Hanning wants to be her Replacement Grampa. Her work has appeared in irreverent sports sites around the Internet.
