In the past seven days, Miami Hurricanes guard Jack McClinton has been named to the NABC First Team All-District and the All-ACC Academic Team (for the third time), been selected to receive the ACC's Weaver-James-Corrigan Honorary Award, and was one of only two players along with UNC's Tyler Hansbrough to be appointed to the the All-ACC First Team for the second year in a row. He led the nation's toughest basketball conference in three-point field goal percentage (he is also the ACC's all-time leader in this category), three-point field goals per game, and free-throw percentage.
McClinton is arguably the best long-distance shooting threat in the college game, and in February almost single-handedly beat North Carolina in front of 15 drooling NBA scouts. His bio doesn't give details, but I'm pretty sure he can also save South Florida of its sins and cure cancer.
The prospect of Miami basketball without McClinton is a sobering one. Sure, there's talent on the roster, but no one stands out like McClinton or seems ready to fill his shoes as soon as next season. After latching onto McClinton's ankles sobbing and being dragged across the floor as Jack receives his diploma, what is Coach Frank Haith going to do? I offer a few suggestions for his replacement:
- A Three-Headed Hydra: if one player contributes as much as three, replace him with three in one.
Pros: Giant body stretches the court, poison breath will kill opponents.
Cons: Home games played in underworld, slimy residue in showers grosses everyone out.
- President Obama: Bypass down year by selecting a player able to legally fix mediocre record.
Pros: Secret Service will not allow defenders to get close, ensuring ability to drive at will.
Cons: Suspect dribble bodes ill for the completion of said drives, physical delicacy due to age.
- Robocop: Get a multi-tasker who can also screen recruits and reduce area crime.
Pros: Part Man. Part Machine. Enough said.
Cons: Destroys team morale by demanding private bathroom time so no one has to see that he is "smooth like a Ken doll down there."
Janie Campbell is a Florida native who believes in the pro-set and ballpark hot dogs. Her work has appeared in irreverent sports sites around the internet.