Sports: We’re Doin’ It Wrong

Miami sports and the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day, in which even Dwyane Wade's closet failed him.

sports we're doing it wrong
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Perhaps it's karmic payback for sheltering Kim Kardashian.

But if Tuesday wasn't the worst day in Miami sports history, it certainly felt like a top fiver. At one point, Jason Taylor was holding a gutting press conference saying he doesn't know why the Dolphins don't love him anymore, the Heat were absolutely humiliating themselves 77-105 in the playoffs, and the Marlins were losing to the @$*&%# Astros.

I don't think we're doing this right. Did anyone read the instructions?

Here's a top -- er, bottom -- ten on the day.

10. The Heat gave up scoring runs of 21-0 and 18-0 to the Celtics.

9. With a 2-for-4 performance, Chris Cohlan raised his batting average to... .140!

8. Hey guys? I think Ray Allen's gonna shoot from that corner. Call it a hunch.

7. Quentin Moses and Charlie Anderson are more valued by the Dolphins than Jason Taylor.

6. The Astros hadn't won a game at home yet all season.

5. "I wanted to retire here. I came back home and felt good about it. Fans felt good about it... I was happy to be here. It is tough... Unfortunately there was no communication. I don't know what to think."

4. The Heat had one (1) offensive rebound in the entire first half.

3. Tim Wood had given up the tying run in the seventh inning and gave up leadoff hits to the first two batters in the eighth. The whole bullpen was fresh and ready. Wood stayed in.

2. Kevin Garnett had a better night than Jermaine O'Neal.

2b. Kevin Garnett didn't play.

1. "I thought Dwyane Wade liked looking good?"

Oof. Someone hold us, please.

Janie Campbell is a Florida native who believes in the pro-set and ballpark hot dogs. Her work has appeared in irreverent sports sites around the internet.

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