Hey, you! Yes you, Mr. Average American citizen! Are you aware that your men's national hockey team beat Switzerland yesterday? Well, they did, and it was awesome!
Not only that, your ladies' team plays Canada tonight for the gold. So whether you like hockey or not, you have two good reasons to start acting like you do.
That’s right. It’s time to jump firmly onto the Team U.S.A. bandwagon. Don’t like bandwagons? Think bandwagons are for Red Sox fans? Don’t worry. This is a totally different KIND of bandwagoning. Bandwagoning is completely acceptable when it comes to national teams. After all, no one wants to cheer on a bunch of LOSER countrymen. Much smarter to make sure they’re good first. Also, the entire Olympics are, by their very nature, a bandwagon sporting event. You’re SUPPOSED to only care once every four years. If you cared all the time, the Olympics wouldn’t be as special.
So ditch your fears of liking hockey and join me. Don't worry if you missed seeing the men beat Switzerland and Canada. So did I, and I’m still totally jazzed! I bought a Team U.S.A. jersey, Team U.S.A. coffee mug and I can name three members of the team. I am fully prepared to make my jump onto the bandwagon.
This is the perfect time to get on the bandwagon, because the women play for a championship tonight and the men are in the semifinals tomorrow. You only need to watch, like three games MAX. That’s it! Now, here is the schedule…
USA vs. Finland – Friday 2:00PM – Live on NBC
NBC will air this game live in all time zones tomorrow afternoon. That means you totally have an excuse to put off stupid work and skip out to the bar with your workmates. Any boss who castigates you for this is unpatriotic and deserves to be placed on some sort of FBI Watch List. This is no joke. THIS IS FINLAND.
Now, perhaps you know very little about our team, or about hockey in general. Fear not. Simply use any of the quotes below to make it sound like you know what you’re talking about:
“No one goes top shelf on my boy Quick!”
“The enlarged Olympic ice rink certainly allows for a freer flowing game, don’t you think?”
“Look! Zach Parise! He plays for the New Jersey Devils! I know such things!”
“Teemu Salanne! He’s Finnish! BOOOOOOOOOOOO.”
“OGLETHORPE??!!” (said in French accent)
You’ll blend in immediately.
Gold Medal Final – Sunday 3:15PM – Live on NBC
If we get past those pesky Fins, we've got ourselves the perfect Sunday afternoon treat. So fasten your seatbelt and prepare to front run. There’s plenty of room on the bandwagon, and Team U.S.A. needs your casual interest!