They try to make him look friendly, what with orange fur and a basketball nose and silly dance moves. But his name sounds like madcap felony arson, his eyes are dead and vacant, and Heat mascot Burnie is not safe.
Not safe at all.
In 1994, he tried to force a woman onto the court at halftime. She resisted, he pulled, she fell. She was also the wife of a Puerto Rican Supreme Court judge. Lawsuit!
And then, in 1997, Burnie sprayed a section of fans in Orlando, including Hall of Famer Dolph Shayes, with a water gun, and Shayes punched him in the face.
Now imagine you're just rolling through a toll booth at the crack of dawn this week, innocently heading to work, and that shaggy menace pops out. Aieeeeee!
It could happen, because the Heat are sending Burnie and the dancers out into the community with a player here and there to drum up excitement in advance of opening night. It's called Heat Week, and Burnie WILL NOT BE IGNORED, MIAMI. He'll be everywhere.
You might find him at McDonalds in Coconut Grove, ready to pass out the shakes with those fries.
Sports
Or heading up a happy hour at Tobacco Road, where self defense weapons bottles of Miller Lite will be 97 cents.
Or paying your toll whether you like it or not on the 836, and lurking at the Dolphin Mall -- where kids are! -- during a scavenger hunt.
Ordering Papa John's Monday night? It could be delivered by Burnie -- and then HE'LL KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.
Fortunately, these and other festivities will end when the Heat take on the Knicks Wednesday night, after which Burnie will be safely ensconsed in American Airlines Arena. No more wandering the streets, looking for fans through eyes that never blink. No more touching your pizza, though we can't promise the same for your children.
Oh sure, you argue, he's entertained thousands of families safely since those assault incidents. It was the '90s, after all, and everyone was flannel-clad and in a bad mood. But this is America -- we only remember the bad parts. And the disturbingly furry ones.
Janie Campbell believes in ballpark hot dogs, the pro-set, and a totally rational fear of mascots. Her work has appeared in irreverent sports sites around the Internet.
