Those horrible holiday jewelry ads worked on exactly one man. Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria just spent three months bedazzling a gift for shortstop Hanley Ramirez, which he was finally able to present over the weekend: a 9-carat total weight pendant on a chain, spelling out the franchise record batting average, .342, that won Ramirez the 2009 National League batting title.

In 394 diamonds.

With one special teal diamond forming the decimal point. 

Now, ususally, this is the point in the story where we point out how tacky this necklace is and make a joke about sugar daddies. But Ramirez, who gasped when he was presented with the pendant just before the Marlins took on the Cardinals, sounded really, really overwhelmed and appreciative, and we...can't...fight...genuine...emotion.

"It means a lot," Ramirez said before proudly wearing his new jewelry out of the park. "I'm going to keep it forever. It's going to be something for life.

"I'm really honored...I think my whole family is going to be excited."

Aw! Good job, buddy! Naturally, because it's the Marlins, we're provided with that punchline anyway: on April 9, when the Marlins open at home against the Dodgers, the first 5,000 fans who win at Billy Bingo will receive a cubic zirconium replica. Just like their baseball team.