Wade Details Lebron Plan, Says Terrible Things

Just do it here, you guys! Pat Riley's so handsome!

Last time the Dwyane Wade-Lebron James Wondertwin powers, activate! rumors cropped up, we warned you: take it all with a grain of salt, it's only [insert month], things will change before July.

This time, we warn you: prepare for Apocalypse. Get canned food. Practice child labor breathing. Because maybe, just maybe, there's something to this, and it's scarier than we thought.

From the get-go, it was hard to imagine the two pairing up for a number of reasons, not least of which is: in this age of mega-egos and diva behavior, could the two really work together? In this era of massive contracts and salary caps, would either be willing to take the necessary cut?

Wade told the New York Post there needn't be worry on either of those accounts, and about how the two fixed their contracts so they'd have the possibility of making it happen.

"Before we agreed to terms, LeBron and I had a couple conversations," Wade said. "I can't recall exactly what we said, but the gist of it was we wanted to give ourselves the flexibility and the option to play together.

"A lot of times in this league, players usually wind up going where they can get the most money. We're both blessed within that area. We've made a lot of money. So we wanted to base our decision on two things, the organization and the ability to win a title. And that's what we'll do. When the season is over, we plan to sit down and talk about it.

"I'm not saying it will happen. But I'm intrigued by the idea...You're talking about two big egos and meshing them. That'd take a lot of sacrifice on LeBron's part and it'd take a lot of sacrifice on my part to succeed. But we would succeed because we know winning takes care of everything. Our personalities work."

Great! Pick Miami, right? We're ready for all the winning and the fun.

But here's where the end times come in. It was previously assumed that Pat Riley would be hustling LBJ for a move to Miami, because Cleveland is a place to which no one has ever bolted. But Wade brings up another possibility, one that's horrifying to any Heat fan:

"The options, that's what excites me about this. I like that you think it can't be this team [the Bulls] or that team [the Nets], yet another team [the Knicks] makes sense to you...I don't mind where it is as long the organization is a good fit and it's committed to competing for championships. The unknown has me intrigued."

New York, seriously? Not Miami, seriously? Here's the problem: they could do it. Lebron and Wade could move to any of the cash-flexible franchises in the NBA and take it over. They only need to flee, pick a mutually agreeable place, hand-pick their coach and teammates, and they'd hold the NBA hostage for at least five years, maybe more.

Has power ever been so accumulated? Not by anyone benevolent, which is why it's our duty to keep this from happening anywhere outside Miami. We, of course, would use that power for good, and we're the only ones.

Janie Campbell will grab Dwyane Wade around the ankles if he attempts to leave. Her work has appeared in irreverent sports sites around the Internet.

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