Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and prepare the ambrosia salad. It’s not a real salad unless it has Cool Whip and marshmallows in it. LET’S GO!
DANCING WITH THE STARS – 9:00PM (ABC) It’s the finale tonight, and your three finalists vying for the elite title of Dancingest Star are Jennifer Grey, Kyle Massey (who?), and the immortal Bristol Palin, who has proven that teen motherhood should never be a roadblock to winning a reality show while your mom uses a very small portion of her massive book earnings to spring for daycare. Who will take it? Who will win America’s heart? I think it’s obvious, don’t you? After all, the general public is voting for this thing. “700 Club” viewers will be jamming up the lines, stumbling over their walkers to vote for young Palin. It’s in the bag, people. Bet everything you have, even your political credibility. Oh, and Christina Aguilera pops up to sing a song. Because she has a movie to bother you with. ANTICIPATION: PALINMANIA!
GLEE – 8:00PM (FOX) It’s an inspired bit of guest casting tonight when Carol Burnett drops in to play Sue Sylvester’s Nazi-hunting mother. That is awesome. It’s almost enough to get me to watch. Do they still sing on this show? They do? Well then, I’ll have to politely decline once more. ANTICIPATION: SUERIFFIC!
REAL SPORTS – 10:00PM (HBO) Tonight on Bryant Gumbel’s festival of depression, a look at the ancient sport of falconry. I swear that’s what the guide says. They aren’t even being jokey about it. And here I thought Will Forte would show up with a stuffed bird. Also tonight, a profile of women’s basketball coach Geno Auriemma and a look at hazing among black college marching bands. Is it me, or does this show go out of its way to do stories about sports NO ONE ever watches? Marching bands aren’t even a sport. They’re sports garnish. And I swear they do a track and field story every other episode. Would it kill them to talk about the NFL or something? Just once? ANTICIPATION: DOWNER!
PARKING WARS – 10:00PM (A&E) Men outside a Detroit mosque become very angry when their cars are ticketed. Chances of everyone in this situation overreacting by a factor of about thirty? One to one. ANTICIPATION: CONTROVERSY!
MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER – 9:00PM (Bravo – an NBC/Universal network) Patti sets up a lady who poses for romance novel covers. But how am I supposed to date her with that handsome vampire holding her with her back arched? ANTICIPATION: FABIO!