The Dolphins suffered a terrible loss on Sunday, a loss that according to fans on the Internet killed 49 people and crushed part-owner Jennifer Lopez' spirit. (Just kidding, she was spared by attending the MTV Video Music Awards instead of watching the game!) As such, it was with much bravery that Chad Pennington faced the press after practice today and answered questions about the game.
Pennington, of course, said all the right things: "we are going to get it fixed," "I'll do whatever it takes to win [except not throw an INT]," "I am not worried about our offensive line," blah blah blah. All NFL quarterbacks are contractually obligated to be chiseled, positive-quote-spewing robots (the lone exception: Jared Lorenzen, whose contract mistakenly read "eat" instead), so one must read between the lines to get to the bottom of what they really mean to communicate.
"It was certainly a typical Wednesday in South Florida with the heat and the humidity."
Translation: "Jason Taylor was dewy like a field of wildflowers at dawn and as beautifully flushed as a newborn babe."
"When you have guys like I have in front of me with the attitude and the approach they take, I just don’t think you need to worry."
Translation: "I have donated Jake Long's body to science."
"They will be fine. I believe in them."
Translation: "Yes, I'm aware he was still alive, but I was assured that was just a technicality."
"Everyone associates the Wildcat with the Miami Dolphins as if it is who we are and what we do, but I certainly think it is a facade* of what we do."
*Aquavision (kill us) has verified he actually said "facet," and media relations staff made a typo.
Translation: "Everyone associates the Wildcat with the Miami Dolphins as if it is who we are and what we do, but I certainly think it is a facade of what we do."
"I've got to stay right there [when the team runs the wildcat]. I have to watch the play, watch the coverage, and see what exactly they are doing."
Translation: "Pat White had his pants on backwards."
"We are going to get it fixed. We are focused on getting it fixed."
Translation: "We are getting Channing Crowder fixed."
"It is such a greater feeling to walk in that locker room after a [win] after all the hard work you have put in rather than when you lose."
Translation: "You should see what the cheerleaders can do with a tub of pico de gallo and athletic tape. I hope to experience it again."
See? Now you know exactly where the team really stands.
Janie Campbell believes in ball park hot dogs and the healing powers of Howard Schnellenberger. Her work has appeared in irreverent sports sites around the Internet.