Welcome to the 804th running of Survivor, this time featuring former Hurricanes and Dolphins coach Jimmy Johnson turning into a crazed hobo before your very eyes in the beachy jungle of Nicaragua, and then wandering through your scenes with a snack of live crab. We’re recapping his survival each week, because he’s Jimmy Johnson.
This week: Not only is Jimmy Johnson trying to survive Nicaragua, viewers spent the hour trying to survive repeated exposure to Jerry O’Connell pimping his new CBS courtroom drama. It’s a race to the death.
You know, the kind of death you might face if on a team with Holly, who strangely hates to see Jill and Jimmy T. eating snails, grabs their bucket, and dumps it out.
When Holly bragged last week about her ability to function with lots of different personalities, she clearly forgot to mention her inability to function with her own. After overhearing mobster-look Dan call her "crazy as [redacted]" for the snails incident, she decides to fill his $1,600 alligator-skin shoes with sand, sinks them in an inlet, and then confesses before the whole group because she is both sorry and completely insane.
To emphasize the latter point, Holly invites Jimmy Johnson to give her a pep talk and cries while he appears to wonder what he's done in life to deserve it (answer: win the Cowboys two Super Bowls) and quotes Vince Lombardi.
"I’m gonna keep one eye on her, and one eye on my shoes," says Tyrone. He has already outsmarted everyone.
At the camp of La Flor (it's Spanish for "The Flor"), the young tribe continues their assault on substance. NaOnka refers to the artificially-legged Kelly B., who runs triathlons, as "a charity case." She also suspects someone moved one of her socks, her response to which is to steal both of Fabio's.
Upset, poor dumb Fabio approaches with his poor dumb face only to have NaOnka turn into some sort of crazy finger-wagging hose beast.
“What you lookin’ at me for?" she hell-naws him, and he is too dumb to point out "BECAUSE YOU ARE WEARING MY SOCKS" instead of nearly burning his own face off wearing snorkeling gear too close to the fire. Oh, Fabio. You are so dumb.
Eventually, the show cuts through the crazy for an immunity challenge, which NaOnka sits out in order to see if Kelly B. will "use her leg as an excuse." We'll spare you an explanation of the rules, but suffice it to say that it involved mud, hay, and balls, and it lead to the following images of Jimmy Johnson:
Also, though Kelly B. totally rocked it, the older tribe cash in their medallion of power and win. They choose fishing equipment over a tarp, and, concerned more about living to see another day than fighting about stupid stuff, head off under Jimmy J.'s leadership.
La Flor slinks away to think about who they're going to vote off and become even more attractive and even less useless. Shannon's alliance, which counts Alina, Kelly B., Benry and, technically, Chase, puts Chase in an awkard spot when Shannon suggests they vote off his special crush Brenda.
Meanwhile, Sash and NaOnka decide to form a minority alliance, which, to her credit, "Asian sensation" Brenda totally laughs at when NaOnka comes to rope her in.
“I have people on my side without doing anything!” she trills. Having been informed by Chase of Shannon's nefarious plan, she agrees to be a united-minority minority, adds Chase, and counts her conquests: five, as many as are on Shannon's side.
When they reach Tribal Council, however, the would be tie is tested when Shannon immediately and angrily calls Chase out for his loyalty to Brenda. Even poor dumb Fabio can see Shannon slipping from his position of strength: "That's not smart, man!" he cries, happy to have a thought worth sharing.
When Sash chimes in with, "You're pretty much digging your own grave," Shannon counters by asking/accusing Sash of being gay.
Because that's such a good comeback?
Time stops as various team members react in unbelief. Fabio swears in disgust. Purple Kelly rolls her eyes. Alina looks like she just saw her cat die, which she did, if her cat is named "Alliance."
"I’m sure I’ve had a lot more beautiful girlfriends than you have buddy," replies Sash, when he's had a moment to recover. It's an obvious non-answer, but Shannon is the only one who seems to care.
Shannon: "You probably haven’t, my brother. I know you haven’t. Trust me. You haven’t."
Sash: "I’d like to see you try to work your magic in New York."
Shannon, pointedly: "Well, New York is full of a bunch of gay people."
Jeff Probst: "New York is full of gay people?"
Shannon, concerned: "They got a lot of ‘em, Jeff. More than they do in Louisiana."
This whole exchange flusters poor dumb Fabio, who issues a hilariously confused "I guess this is still the game plan?" as he dutifully casts his vote against Brenda.
But it's Shannon who goes home, and Newton's Third Law who really wins when we see Sash say, as he votes to send Shannon home, "You should have known better than to mess with the biggest bachelor in New York."
Yeah, let's not over-sell it, buddy.
Next week: Jimmy Johnson attempts to communicate with monkeys! And probably goes home. And NaOnka claimes she'll push Kelly B. "so hard her leg will fly off." She's a peach.