Gator Chomp Prompts Prose From Cop

Next promotion? Seargent Poet Laureate.

By JANIE CAMPBELL

Updated 4:15 PM EST, Sat, Nov 7, 2009

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The Swamper, Flickr

Last week, a former Miami-Dade police officer was sentenced for his role in an ecstasy-smuggling ring. Yesterday, a Pembroke Pines officer alleged that he was fired because a supervisor was having an affair with his wife. Today brings news of a Fort Lauderdale cop dismissed for forging a signature on court notification.

Sigh.

Their Central Florida brethren, on the other hand, don't seem to have any problems that can't be overcome with $500 and an extremely flowery pen. Consider what Tampa police officer Terry Ashe endured in late October when an alligator -- er, "ancient reptile" -- lay between him and home, word-for-word from his incident report:

As I was driving down the single lane, dirt road, adjacent to an old cemetery, I observed a large, menacing, dark object lying in the road obstructing my right of way. With rain pouring down, mist and fog shrouding my vision, large oak trees laden with Spanish moss hanging down around my vehicle, I was uncertain as to what lay in my path...[It was] this menacing man eater...

The monster bit down on the front left bumper and attempted his mighty death roll. The vehicle shook violently from side to side, my head bouncing from the drivers side window to the headrest. At one point, it felt as if the vehicle was up on two wheels. After what seemed an eternity, the prehistoric monster appeared to be tiring.

Ashe, he wrote, took his chance to throw it in reverse.

The mighty roar of the engine and the spinning of tires in the wet sand was just too much for the man eater to manage. After letting go and emitting a loud roar of triumph, he crawled off the roadway.

[I was] quite shaken, face drained of blood and soaked with sweat...[with] one last look in the rearview mirror...I knew that I had just escaped the mighty jaws of death.

Is there a PoPo-litzer Prize he's going for here? A department spokesperson said the dramatic narrative was just for funsies. Of course, we know a Pembroke Pines cop who'd say the same, but somehow that story's less entertaining.

Unsurprisingly, the report in the public record was slightly modified: "Officer Ashe was driving home in Pasco County when he observed an alligator blocking the roadway. He attempted to use his vehicle to scare it out of the road. The alligator became agitated and bit his bumper causing approximately $500 worth of damage. Report will be routed to City Claims/Risk Management."

Booo-ring!