While the entire rest of the nation has reason to waste hours upon hours at the office watching basketball this month -- even the President submitted a bracket -- we South Floridians have no good excuse to watch.
The Hurricanes were snubbed for the NIT. The Lady Canes, well, no one watches women's basketball, let's be honest. And Isiah Thomas' FIU squad just went 7-25.
Fortunately, alternative bracketology is alive and well and able to distract us in a pinch. You could vote for Broward-honed "talent" Megan Fox, currently losing her matchup against 63-year-old Helen Mirren in Esquire's Sexiest Woman of the Year bracket (the winner will likely face a chagrined Lane Kiffin). Or you might help choose America's Greatest Living Abstract Painter in a "tourney-ish" over at Modern Ar---
[great rumbling and shaking of the earth; trumpets sound in the deep]
BOW BEFORE GOD'S POWER, LESSER MARCH MADNESSES!
Offer, you may remember, nearly changed his name to the decidedly less powerful "David" when his family moved from Nigeria to Miami; choosing the path of righteousness earned him all proper attention after recruiting guru Larry Blustein added the 6'2", 220-pounder from American High to his list of rising local talents in the Miami Herald. Sports Illustrated came calling. Every Day Should Be Saturday assumed he must resemble Falcor the luckdragon. And Name of the Year just got a little Miami in it.
It remains to be seen, of course, if Offor can take a tourney once claimed by such label luminaries as Assumption Bulltron, Doby Crotchtangle, and current LSU football player Barkevious Mingo. After all, losers include golf coach Velvet Milkman, Kansas Jayhawks softballer Destiny Frankenstein, and possible Irish soccer fan Spaceman Africa. It's always a tough field.
This year's pool is especially competitive, with organizers choosing from a pool including Dinero Fudge and Pencilman Jeffries and Coke Wisdom O'Neal.
But God's Power is, well, God's Power, and we wouldn't bet against him.
(Not from home, anyway.)